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English Jokes

Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, “Why aren’t you married? Can’t you find a woman who will be a good wife?”
Fred replied, “Actually, I’ve found many women that I have wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn’t like them.”
His friend thinks for a moment and says, “I’ve got the perfect solution, just find a girl who’s just like your mother.”
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, “Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?”
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, “Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much.”
The friend said, “Then what’s the problem?”
Fred replied, “My father doesn’t like her.”

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Did you hear about the blind carpenter who picked up his hammer and saw?

Did you hear about the deaf shepherd who gathered his flock and heard (herd)?

If you don’t understand these, use your dictionary and look up the words “blind,” “deaf,” “saw,” “heard” and “herd.”

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A teacher is talking to a student.
Teacher: Did your father help your with your homework?
Student: No, he did it all by himself.

On a crowded bus, one man noticed that another man had his eyes closed.
“What’s the matter? Are you sick?”
“No, I’m okay. It’s just that I hate to see an old lady standing.”

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A man was complaining to a railroad engineer.

What’s the use of having a train schedule if the trains are always late.

The railroad engineer replied.

How would we know they were late, if we didn’t have a schedule?

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A: “I was born in California.”
B: “Which part?”
A: “All of me.”

A: “Excuse me. Do you know the way to the zoo?”
B: “No, I’m sorry I don’t.”
A: “Well, it’s two blocks this way, then one block to the left.”

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Q: What has many keys but can’t open any doors?
A: A piano.

Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?
A: Yes, because the Empire State Building can’t jump!

———————————————————-

Q: What has many keys but can’t open any doors?
A: A piano.

Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?
A: Yes, because the Empire State Building can’t jump!

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Q: What letter of the alphabet is an insect?
A: B. (bee)

Q: What letter is a part of the head?
A: I. (eye)

Q: What letter is a drink?
A: T. (tea)

Q: What letter is a body of water?
A: C. (sea)

Q: What letter is a vegetable?
A: P. (pea)

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In the classroom the teacher is asking a student to do something.

Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with “I.”

Student: I is the …

Teacher: Stop! Never put “is” after “I.” Always put ‘am’ after “I.”

Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

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A: John says I’m pretty. Andy says I’m ugly. What do you think, Peter?

B: I think you are pretty ugly.

Insulting someone is often considered funny, especially when that person is fishing for a complement.

NOTE: pretty ugly = very ugly

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A: Doctor, will I be able to play the piano after the operation.

B: Yes, of course.

A: Great. I never could before.

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An elementary school teacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school.

“If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I will promise not to believe everything your child says happens at home.

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Q: What starts with E, ends with E and only has one letter?
A: An envelope.

Q: If you drop a white hat into the Red Sea, what does it become?
A: Wet.

Q: What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back?
A: A stick.

Q: What is white when it’s dirty and black when it’s clean?
A: A blackboard.

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Q: What does a ghost eat for dessert?
A: I scream. (Ice cream)

Q: Where does a ghost mail his letters?
A: At the ghost office. (Post office)

Q: What did the ghost mail home while on vacation?
A: Ghostcards. (Post cards)

Q: What amusement park ride does a ghost like best?
A: The roller ghoster. (Roller coaster)

Q: What do you say to a ghost with three heads?
A: Hello, hello, hello.

Q: What’s the difference between a ghost and a butcher?
A: One stays awake and the other weighs a steak.

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he teacher says: Today, we’re going to talk about the tenses. Now, if I say “I am beautiful,” which tense is it?

The student says: Obviously it’s the past tense.

NOTES:
Present Tense: I am beautiful.
Past Tense: I was beautiful.
This is funny because the teacher isn’t beautiful now, but maybe she was beautiful when she was younger.

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